Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
