Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
