my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
