Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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