I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
