Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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