I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize