I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
