The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
