I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
