I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
