I could have mohawked her pubes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize