No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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