Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And then my night got REAL pukey
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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