i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
True strength comes from lack of pants
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
