haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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