oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
