dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
