Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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