I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
