Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
