great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
