he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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