Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
