Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
