My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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