Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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