The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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