I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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