i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
