please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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