Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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