I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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