time to smoke my breakfast
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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