No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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