Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
