I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
