Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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