If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
