just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
