the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I had to cum in my sink.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
