There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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