When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize