Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
