he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
