we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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