I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize