Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
