definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
