The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
