I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's just like the Real World with babies
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
