Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
