I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
