Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
