Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize