I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
