dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
